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12.03
30.1
Popbitch: Best line at the Golden Globes was Robin Williams on Master and Commander. "The sea was cruel, unforgiving and wet.... just like Paris Hilton".Two funny links from my friend Sam which are worth a visit - one here and the other here.
28.1
I walked outside my flat tonight to see the first substantial coating of snow I have seen in central London since 1991. People in the centre of town really don't know how to react - they're all holding their shopping bags up high, looking at the floor quizzically and teetering along like overweight ballerinas.When I was living in South Carolina, one winter we had no more than an inch of snow and everything - and I mean everything seized up. All bridges in and out of the city were closed, no mail service, and no school for a week.
I just did a quick search for my old school and this is the first article I came across - it doesn't particularly surprise me. I recognise the corridor in the picture - I walked down there to my Public Speaking lessons. I see they've invested in a few more snack machines.
When I was there I remember every classroom being equipped with a 'panic button' that summoned security within seconds should an unfortunate stand-in teacher be pinned against the wall with a knife pressed to their throat. One sophomore mischief maker (who was in my English class) was caught bringing a gun into school - what a joker. What's wrong with the British concept of fun at school: the rare treat of dressing in non-uniform and taking in Buckaroo or Kerr-Plunk on the last day of term?
I've just read a later article about the raid - in true US style, the Goose Creek parents have grouped together, hired an attorney, and are now making a massive claim against the South Carolina Police Department for the emotional distress that the students went through. Emotional distress without a cavity search? Young people today don't know they're born.
I was intending to go to the gym but this immoderate weather has forced me to have a night in watching TV, drinking beer and eating chips and pies.
27.1
Nice quote from The Brand Gym by David Taylor: "Managers in many big companies use research in the same way a drunk uses a lamppost: for support not illumination."Can't wait to see Peter Kay swap his garlic bread for Betty's Hot Pot on Friday. Great promotional picture.
Watch Nip / Tuck if you've enjoyed Six Feet Under in the past. Look at these twonks - they condemn it in every way possible and then go on to describe all the graphic content of every single episode. Well, if you've missed a programme at least you can catch up on the storylines. Make sure you encourage any children you know - particularly young and impressionable ones - to visit the site to enjoy them too.
26.1
I'm delighted to be working with my friend Kolla again. She owns a model agency in Iceland and organises fashion events including Midnight Sun and Iceland Fashion Week. Last year we got together to put on a fashion show on top of Mýrdalsjökull - a massive glacier in the south of Iceland. Afterwards we defrosted ourselves by having a puffin and whiskey feast in a wooden cabin. I urge everyone to go to Iceland - the most amazing scenery you'll see in your life combined with the most honest, friendly and genuine people you'll ever meet. The Reykjavik nightlife also has to be to seen to be believed. Watch 101 Reykjavik before you go.
Here's a funny article about parents talking to kids about sex.
24.1.5
Whilst reading Before the Brand by Alycia Perry and David Winsom I came across a 'positioning statement' they composed for one of their clients. Now, the purpose of a positioning statement is to clearly and succinctly sum up what a company does in terms that anyone would understand....Here goes:"Newco provides software infrastructure essential for the wireless information industry worldwide. Through its unique XML-based open technology. Newco specialises in adaptive, integral solutions that personalise and simplify presentation and content distribution to data-enabled devices, regardless of platform or language".
Answers on a postcard if you have any idea what this nonsense means. I'd want my money back from any branding agency that suggested using the words 'unique' and 'solutions' to describe my company. Read about how we tackled this issue a couple of years ago, and Newco, you'd be better off using this to come up with your statement.
That's all from me - after all that I need to facilitate a significant Armitage Shanks defecation interface scenario.
24.1
I've just read Integrated Branding by F Joseph LePla and Lynn Parker. I had my reservations on first glance - lots of fancy diagrams which I associate with verbose marketing text books. It's actually remarkably good - very readable, good examples and a really useful guide to analysing, building and sustaining a healthy brand. It provides a good framework for us brand people to adapt to present to potential clients.While we're on the subject, Brand God Wally Olins quite rightly says that the future of brands lies in making them as interactive as possible. This reminded me of the excellent web-based game called 'The Beast' which was designed as a teaser for the film AI. The game led participants through a series of fictional future-based websites that contained clues that eventually brought them to the conclusion of the puzzle. The amount of work that went into the campaign is staggering. It paid off - it had massive impact with a perfect target audience. The live sites have gone down, but they've kept an archive of all the sites here. Have a look at donu-tech, cybertronics and familychan. It's a real shame the film didn't live up to the marketing.
I see Vanessa Feltz is on the new series of that "my-career's-on-the rocks-what-can-I-do-to-get-any-kind-of-exposure" programme about fat celebrities playing up to the camera as they pretend they want to lose weight. Let's hope she makes as much of a fool of herself as she did on Celebrity Big Brother. God only knows what is going on their minds.
23.1
I could see myself becoming a suicide bomber if I had to live the way liberal democrats have to.
Birthday celebrations for Ceri. From 12pm until late. I had problems making my legs work when I left the pub, have very little recollection of the walk home, woke up fully clothed with a road sign in my kitchen and mud all over my hands. It's not big and it's not clever.
I was talking to someone who works at another branding agency today. Artistic disagreements have taken place recently and the creative director ended up having a fist fight with two designers. Apparently the two designers disappeared shortly afterwards and they were never spoken of again. A management technique we can all learn from.
21.1
It would be demeaning to describe Buddha as an office pet; he's more of a company icon. We had fun today dressing him up in a hat and baby gloves, Buddha really got into the action by getting a little doggy stiffy. Or maybe it was the way Elle was playing with his nads. How we laughed. Sweet little secret transvestite Buddha.
Top night. It started out with me and my friends Ben and Tim meeting a complete loon in some Camden pub. He was interrogating us as to whether Sylvester Stallone could beat off a group of Metropolitan Police if they had hangovers. He went on to tell us about his completely ga-ga brother who's apparently banged up for sticking a knife in someone's heart because they looked at his pint. Quote of the night: "Do you think it's negative to take a kitchen knife or screwdriver out with you at night?" Slightly provocative perhaps - unless you're a chef or mechanic who's very late for work. Every time I go to Camden I leave thinking half of the population should be sectioned.
This was followed by a smashing ear-drum splitting night at the Barfly: two top-notch sets from Fin and Cameran followed by the most amazing performance by The Shins. I'm over the moon that I got to meet James Mercer at the end. It certainly looked as if they've enjoyed their first UK visit.
20.1
17.1
My friend Phillip makes music. That is, he writes it, produces it and sings it - with a fantastic voice. It's remarkably good - one of my iPod regulars. You can hear some of his tracks here. The great news is that one of Phillip's songs has been signed to an American TV show so he's off to LA for all manner of shenanigans. Nice work fella.16.1
I had a smashing time drinking plenty of beer with my friend Ben last night and bumped into a nice chap called Andrew who was interviewed for a job in a company I used to work for. Lucky for him he got himself a much better job at a very respectable advertising agency.Just had a text message from my friend Jamie, I'm sure he won't me mind me publishing the fact that the moist toilet tissue he's been using was in fact bleach packed and meant for use inside the toilet. I did wonder why people always refer to him as Sore Ring Jamie.
Look at this fantastic website dedicated to Burberry wearing 'Bazzas' and 'Kappa Slappers'.
"The use of mobile phones by Chavs to text message each other has led to a new written form of Chav english, known as 'Fuckwit'".
You should also check out one of the links from chavscum. I find the two fat blokes particularly menacing - "fears nothing but god, enjoys pies, eats loads". If I'm mown down by a 1982 pink Honda Civic with matching pink plastic windscreen wiper visors driven by a chubby bloke then dad, please destroy my pornography and enjoy my Sony Widescreen.
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A great lesson and some funny pictures from my South African friend Joe: Two recent court cases have earned the attention of newspaper readers in South Africa. One person was fined R1000 for not having a TV licence. Another was released on bail for R500 after being arrested for murder and was never convicted.
The moral of this South African story is if you do not have a TV licence and the inspector comes round, kill him. You'll save R500.
15.1
A few years ago I did PR for the National Drugs Helpline which was run by what used to be the Government's Health Education Authority. Working for their PR agency at the time, I used to snigger at the fact that the majority of the staff used to round off most busy days at work by smoking a few big spiffs out of the office window. This was coupled with the fact that A Senior Person within the company used to peddle ecstasy tablets, presumably to keep up the flagging staff morale. I'm not going to say who they were but I was blushing and Cock-A-Hoop when I left.I was just thinking NDH should contact Ozzy Osbourne while he's twiddling his thumbs in hospital to discuss having him as the figurehead of their next drugs awareness campaign - what better living advert is there that you shouldn't take drugs? Also, if I had spoilt bastard kids like that I'd have them shot, burn their clothes, say they got lost camping or something and rent out their rooms to nice foreign exchange students.
Back to the campaign - you could extend the idea by forming a band called SmackAid and release an updated version of Michael Jackson's Thriller video with Ozzy, Keith Richards, Ronnie Wood, Jason Donovan and Robbie Williams not having to employ much acting skill to be very convincing zombies. It would be a double whammy because the royalties that Jacko earns can be used to supply him with a steady stream of pre-teen boy pics to keep his pecker perky when they finally throw away the key.
I can't wait for the court appearance tomorrow - I'm more excited than I was at Christmas. Next we'll be hearing news reports of 19 stone Buddy-Jo plying squeaky-voiced Jacko with alcohol and releasing press statements proclaiming that it's perfectly natural for a 53 year old man to share his prison bunk with strange pastey-faced androgynous international singing stars.
"If they say -
Why, why, tell ’em that is human nature
Why, why, does he do me that way
I like livin’ this way
I like lovin’ this way "
Human Nature by Michael Jackson14.1
Meetup.com is a free service that organises local gatherings about anything, anywhere. What a great idea.A good selection of some nice shirts.
13.1
If you:
i. Buy an Apple iPod
ii. Get hold of Allegri's Miserere - it has to be the amazingly haunting version sung by the Westminster Cathedral Choir
iii. Make your way to the breathtaking Reading Room of the British Museum
iv. Sit yourself down
v. Lose yourself in the music whilst staring upwards at the magnificent azure-blue, cream and gold Sydney Smirke artwork...You're bound to get some little jobsworth twat with a whiney voice and greasy hair skulking over to tell you that 'Nerrrr Walkmans aren't allowed'.
Tsk. Some people. I wouldn't dream of interrupting one of his religious experiences which probably consist of him panting and sweaty, clad in surgical gloves, knocking one out over National Geographic after hours in the Museum Shop. Perhaps.
12.1
"God is Marketing and life is a presentation."
Mark Radcliffe, 12 January 2004.Here's a look at the Twin Tower memorial options. While you're there, read about how Will tested the brand new New York 311 information service .... "I'm trying to organize a child's party...I'd like to rent gazelles and midgets. Do I need to get permits for such a thing?" Hoho.
11.1
I am genuinely embarrassed to admit that I've just watched 'International Stars and their Doubles' on ITV2. A bit like a bad car accident but more gruesome. None of the lookalikes featured could be mistaken for the real thing unless being looked at by a blind person. All of the 'celebrities' featured, which included dale winton, the cheeky girls, paul daniels and alex off big brother, probably had to be peeled off their piss-stained mattresses in the Home of the Terminally Shite to appear tonight.Vanessa Feltz also made an appearance - I see she's the size of a truck once again. I worked with her a couple of years ago. She is, in my opinion, one of the most arrogant and distasteful human beings I have ever had the misfortune to encounter. She arrived at the photocall acting like a diva, insulted a journalist, verbally abused a girl, making her cry and then as icing on the D-list celebrity cake, in front of the assembled photographers said "What is this? Who am I doing this for?" Good luck with any future projects Vanessa - I've found the perfect one for you.
GTA Vice City rocks.
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I think Radio 4's church service was brought to us this morning by Kilroy: "Grant us the will to resist the temptation of dark places". No holidays in Saudi Arabia then.
London News Review Daisy Donovan interview:
>If you had to make the choice between you or Brooklyn Beckham dying this instant, who would you choose?
No question: Brooklyn. He's gone. He's off the cliff.
>What do you think of George Bush?
He's an idiot.
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10.1
I know it's cheese, but Josh Abraham's mix of 'Come What May' is good.Once Around the Block - Badly Drawn Boy: Great stuff.
A truly inspiring, if slightly worrying picture from my friend Ben to bring some Gymnastic Jesus Joy into our lives. Ben also sent a great article from the London News Review about crap art - well written and worth a read.
Whilst browsing LNR I came across some great slogans for the London Olympic bid:
London – Where Dreams Come True for Bag Thieves
London – Where the People are Friendly Until You Refuse to Give Them Money
London – Come for the Games, Stay to Report Being Mugged
London – Where the Streets are Paved with Sputum
London – City of Culture, The Mousetrap, Phantom of the Opera and Spearmint Rhino
9.1
I had an entertaining lunch with Sam and Mik who run Firehouse Publishing. Mik owns six VW campervans, one of which I'm likely to buy. Don't read this dad.
Last night I watched the programme about the hunt for the serial killer dubbed the 'Camden Ripper'. Unbeknownst to me I walked past the flat where he lived every day for almost two years on the way to work. London is a mixed up place.
There's a few interesting sites that I've found or that have stumbled upon my site which I would quite happily trade links with - that is until I've come across the 'reciprocal' banners they occasionally insist are reproduced on 'partner' sites. To me that's like saying "You look ok, but I have to smear this big turd over the front of your fine cardigan". The answer is no.
Don't look at this if you're an EOC (Easily Offended Christian).
This made me snigger: DETROIT - A museum survey examining the phenomenon of destruction in art backfired at the event’s opening when audience enthusiasm overwhelmed the exhibit. Read more here....
Today I received a great long play version of Ultrabeat's Feeling Fine which is smashing. This is a plug for my friend Pete.
I'm also over the moon to have got hold of tickets for The Shins debut performance in London. They are completely sold out at The Scala and the Arts Cafe, but me and some friends managed to get the last few tickets for the Barfly in Camden. They will be performing alongside Fin and Cameran. If I don't get too drunk, pics to follow.
While we're talking about music I must mention Us by Mull Historical Society. I defy anyone to listen to 'Ugly Buildings' and not hum the tune for the entire day. Fantastic.
8.1
There's an article in the Guardian today about a lady called Rachel Greenwald who has written a book for women over 35 which is designed to attract and hook potential husbands. The theory she developed following her experience at Harvard is that every woman is her own 'three word brand' - with too many women these days projecting a brand that is 'Desperate Hopeless and Frantic'.She goes on to explain how women can recreate their own brands - so rather than being a 'Lumpy Alcoholic Sociopath' they can transform into a 'Roly-poly Funny Entertainer'. She then encourages women to market themselves as they would a frozen dinner or a Mars bar. Well, it makes sense...
The interesting part comes when Ms Greenwald comes to interpret all the marketing disciplines and how they apply to womankind - Packaging: "always wear a push-up bra. After 35 it can't hurt and can only help. Everything from plastic surgery to diets and dental overhauls must be considered"; Telemarketing: "Get everyone you know to set you up...."; Mass marketing: "....involves aggressive dating on-line". And so it goes on.
Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be 'Cynical Flatulent and Brand-Fatigued'.
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Clever PR idea from ebay who have created a showhouse comprised of gubbins all bought off their site. The house does look absolutely hideous however.
7.1
Extreme dating.
6.1
Walking around Stoke-on-Trent recently, I couldn't believe the number of people wearing what purport to be Burberry caps. Although my friend and I reckon many are probably made in South East Asia and sold on Wolverhampton Market for £4.99 under the name 'Durberry'.We then played Spot the Durberry (youths wearing fake Burberry caps) for the rest of the day, with points awarded for 'Double Durberrys', and if you spotted a gang of youths wearing more than three, this was known as a 'Durberry Thwack'. At one point I saw six within the space of two minutes. On the local market we also spotted thongs and a baby cot both decorated with the trademark tan, red, black and white check.
Following on from Hackett, it is also now apparently an integral part of the English football hooligan's wardrobe (Dougie take note). Diane O' Brien observes that the police say the plaid makes it easy for them to spot trouble-causing fans that try to blend in with the public after rowdy matches.
Interestingly, Burberry was also ranked eighth on American Brandstand as the 'most mentioned brand' in song lyrics in June 03.
It does make you wonder what the Old Sticks at Burberry HQ make of their new cult following.
In revenue terms, Burberry's profit has gone from £69 million to £90 million in the year to March 02. Better than a poke in the eye. But with their shift in perception transforming from being a distinctive and authentic British luxury brand to the ultimate bling bling label of council house chic I can imagine they might be choking on their cornflakes.
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I didn't see Phoenix Nights when it aired last year, but watched the first series over Christmas and thought it was brill. I was also delighted to come across a Peter Kay merchandise site where you can get hold of your own Chorley FM (Coming in Your Ears) mugs and "Get on t'internet" t-shirts. Peter Kay at the Bolton Albert Halls is also great.
My friend Jamie has apparently spent the last week running around in cornwall shouting "what a kuffuffle - aa aa aaaaaa - don't want it - no but yes but no but yes but shut up" and "I am a laaaaaady".
5.1
I read this morning that Princess Anne's troublesome bull terrier Florence (named after Florence Nightingale, famed for her compassion in the Crimean War), is to start seeing a psychologist. Show your support for Florence by wearing a "Nothing runs like a Zooming Bully" t-shirt, available here.
Bloodbath at Sandringham.I watched The Office Christmas specials again last night. Absolutely superb.
4.1
If you didn't get the presents you were expecting this Christmas, why not treat yourself to some Holy goodies: how about this tasteful Mother Teresa figurine?. Or perhaps your own flying cathedral?
My friend Tim and I watch Little Britain and as a result we've been walking around for the past two weeks pointing at random objects and saying "I want that one" in a silly voice. I suppose you have to watch the programme first...
1.1
Happy new year!Look at the work of Nora Krug - it's good.
